Another post on death

yeah I know another post on death ...today I just can't help it I keep thinking about it daily , i'm frightened of it and I feel tired of the thought why am i frightened of it ? well I keep thinking about what am I to do if I die and Allah is not happy with me ? no matter how much I do just does not seem enough ( it will never be enough even if I become the greatest alima in the world ) I know I will always fear death thats why I keep asking Allah to judge me by his mercy . Well actualy beg for mercy each and every day .
S o I ask myself ? why all of this thought about death wel again my age ..it's not like I'm but I seriouse am scared of getting older not because of looking older more well more I don't think I want to see anymore life and people and issues . I am such an idealist I wish everything was ideal . I keep thinking what is wrong with me that I have to be so abnormal ?
can't I just be like other woman ? shallow it's so much easyier then being a deep thinker . Then I think no , if I was shallow then i would never be able to hold myself accountable . I wouldn't care about what really matters about life . I would get upset over the most silly things like 'oh i wish I can have that ' . Constantly materialistic thats not life .
Death something I would not stop contemplating . My decisions in my life are based around death ..is this good for my death? if not leave it .