When I needed you

When I needed you
you left me to my tears
when I needed you
you gave me a hard shoulder
each and every time I wondered why
all I needed was love
all I needed was a smile
instead I was staying strong
while you were crippling in front me
I thought it would be all ok
once I have the baby
no instead it was too late
the damage you caused has really scarred me
I don't trust you anymore
I told you so
Now I don't love you
no affection to give
except a hard shoulder
like the one you once gave me
I see you try to make things work
I pity you
yet I feel guilt
Maybe I should try
so here I am trying to try
making istakhara
don't want to be held accountable for you
when I needed you
you weren't their
I was just left their to my pain
feeling all alone
All I remember of those days
was nothing but sadness
At that time I thought I had it all
No I was deluded
I only convinced my self of that
only because I was alone
Now I am older
not so naive anymore
to bad for you
guess the damage is done
feels irreparable
guess I don't like you anymore
or maybe I never liked you so
Just a heart hard I feel towards you
so when I needed you the most
where you their for me ?
no instead you asked me
to be their for you
Wish I learnt then to turn to god
Wish I knew then not expect anything from anyone
Wish I had the will
Wish I was not such a crybaby
through pain
their is wisdom
Guess I should be happy
guess I should forget
I have forgiven you
I just don't trust you
I know your the same
because the other day
God made me sick
did you give me sympathy?
did you hug me ?
that's all I needed
no you were too worried about the vomit
instead had a go at me for breaking the lock

When I needed you
and when I need you
I only expect one thing
that is to be alone

If I could

If I could
I would
lay in the sand
with my eyes closed
and allow my body to soak the heat
not caring that I will get darker

If I could
I would
sniff lavender all day
allowing the feeling to take over my mind

If I could
I would
Run through a naturist site
taking in the beauty
capturing it in my mind

If I could
I would
spend a whole day
not thinking
not caring
just laughing
So that all you could see
was my white teeth

If I could
I would
sit with a group of people
say nothing
do nothing
just allow my ears to take in the wisdom

If I could
I would
take back every wrong I ever did
I would do the things I intended to do
I would kiss my mothers feet
and promise never to say a bad word to her

If I could
I would
wipe every negative memory
I have
hiding away in the cupboard with the lost key

If I could
I would
open a canteen just for those who need
I would vow to make sure
every one of them that left
left with a smile

Sinning

I know it is Satan that is inviting me
hissing away in my sad soul
I know it is you that makes me suffer
I know it is me that gives you power
I know how I CAN stop you
yet can not catch myself to stop you
In all the disappointments in my life
finally I realize
their will be more
just do not know from where
then you Satan will come back
trying to give me alternative of relief
then I know it is you inviting me
to what you disguise as peace
yet I know it is not peace
but coax my self in to accepting
knowing the consequence is sadness
followed by repentance
a battle of wars is going on within me
until I submit
then peace will descend on me
That will only happen
when I
refuse your invitation
Satan your only strong
when I give you strength
your only strong
when I accept your invite
Your like a drug
that sewed it self with in me
I let go off you for a few days
then your back again
only because I allowed you
only because I gave you permission
this is no ones fault
but mine
only I can stop sinning
only I can stop your whispers
when will I finally stop giving in ?
such a vicious circle I am in
tired inside of allowing you to do this
tired of giving you permission to make me suffer
the suffering I am in
is cause of my actions
so Allah help me stop
give me the strength to overcome my weaknesses

I wish

I wish I was satisfied
I wish I did not have to know about the suffering
I wish I understood why everything is the way it is
I wish these feelings would let me go
I wish I can bounce back from these feelings
I wish I can avoid a certain someone
I wish I can smile knowing it is genuine
I wish I knew how to be someone
but me
I wish I can just turn back to the light
I wish I can just except my situation
it seems the older I get
bigger the issues
I wish things do not have to be like this
I wish I can stop tormenting my mind like this
I want to stop sinning
but cannot seem to
I wish I can just stop wishing
I wish I can stop fantasing
and just submit back to reality

Tired

Feeling tired
Feeling lousy
Feeling drained
like the blood just got sucked out of me
need to close my eyes
My body is gasping for sleep
my mind is running wild
just needing to stop
wanting the thoughts to stop
need to close my eyes
need to close my eyes
take a break
take a break
lay on the bed
let the thoughts go
let my eyes close
falling
falling
deep in to another world
a world I wish I can stay in
a world I wish I can stay in

because I am a muslim

I do what I do because I am a Muslim
I feel what I feel because I am a Muslim
I think what I think because I am a Muslim
I choose to be what I am because I am a Muslim
I make decisions based on my hereafter
why ?
because I am a Muslim
you wonder why I do not swear ?
you wonder why i do not retaliate to your nasty words?
you insult me
I choose not to
because I am a Muslim
I have the truth
so why do I need to behave lower then you ?
when I can convey my truth to you
it is
through the best of my actions
through the best of my words

seeking

I have begun to seek knowledge
the soil I seed my my seeds in
is that of firm of faith
the more I seek
the seed starts to grow
the roots is watered
with firm prayer
as I ask
as I seek
the more I receive
the more my mind grows
the more I have hope
that Islam is truth
the seed is growing
as I continue
I stay firm
I slip at times
but then I go back to water
the seeds with what I watered with them first
faith
prayer
and
conviction
eventually their will be Branch's
each branch representing
truth
each branch explaining that which is false
by Allah the tree will stand firm
watered with iman
watered with conviction

Filthy comments

Asalam alaykum , I recieved some filthy comments , if you click below 3 of the posts you will see, I do not know how to delete them since my comments weren't on moderaition ,now it is however , anyone has any idea pls drop me a comment thank you :)

Submit to Allah

Submit to Allah
she said
I was holding the free handset
submit to Allah
she said
I heard
my brain was processing
her words
my heart was trying to gain comfort from it
submit to Allah
it rang through my head
cry and prostrate to him
submit to Allah
she said
such precious advice
I will take with me
wherever I may be
submit to Allah
is all I need

The apple of truth

As I bite into the apple of truth
the juices overflow
tasting sweet
sending peace down my whole body
tranquility and serenity
humming right through my heart
This is truth I yearn

salafi islam or classical islam ?

salafi Islam or mainstream Islam ? , after converting from shia islam to sunni Islam , I have been confused about groups , I haven't actually joined a group , but everyone seems to be in a group , the type of Muslims I have been surrounded by is mainly salafi's , lately it has started to get to me . Salafi's are supposed to follow the 1st 3 generations of salaf, yet all the other 4 school of thoughts do exactly the same , so what makes them think they are so special ?
One of the reasons why I converted to sunni islam , was the lack of mercy and forgiveness in shia islam , in regards to their opinions on the sahaba , which I do not want to go into in great detail . I have always been into spiritual side of Islam , cleansing the heart and finding out who are you ? . Loving Allah , being close to Allah , salafi manhaj idea's are very rigid , they do not talk much about it . They make you think all other groups are deviated except salafi manhaj .
I have started getting sick of it , I went to a 2 day conference with salafi's I became really depressed , because it just felt so dead . I was living with people who were just so clueless , I'm just tired of people following something like a flock of sheep . Check the ingredients before you consume it ! .
I ask Allah to open the way for me to study the science's in Islam , hadeeth , quran and Arabic . One thing I have realized now is that , I have to go and study classical Islam , salafi ideas are very new , frankly speaking they think other peoples ideas are bidah , I'm starting to think wether their ideas is bidah ?

I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

seeing oppression
me not being able to do anything
I'm sick of it !


I'm sick of it !

culture that only makes life more difficult
then needed
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

people sitting and watching oppression
something can be done yet nothing is done
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

seeing mothers bringing up their children on material ideas
when they should be brought up on humility
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

woman who only talk about shallow things
when subject is changed
it only returns to what they brought the other day
I'm sick of it !


I'm sick of it !

Muslim groups each one claiming 'it' is right
pointing fingers at each other
each one saying the other is false
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it!

coming across so called religious people
who are arrogant , obnoxious and self righteous
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

watching the world being brainwashed by the media
watching Satan polishing their thoughts
watching Satan confirming their ideas

............................I tell you ....I'm sick of it

My thoughts

I have so many thoughts swimming around , that makes me want to write, for some reason I just don't know were to start . My thoughts are mixed with alot of mixed feelings and emotions that I realy cannot express. yesterday I read an article that I could not finish reading because I found it very distressing, It was about Abeer a 14 year old girl raped and killed in Iraq , I do not want to go in great detail about it , but I remember being told about the story before , I had wanted to cry then about it , then made myself forget , I just get very emotional and distressed about these things . I cannot accept that these things are happening and me well just sitting her doing nothing .
I keep day dreaming and thinking about what 'I' can do to contribute to the ummah ? one time I had a fleeting thought passed my mind , about opening a charity , helping rape victims , especialy in the middle east since such subjects are such a taboo over their . Or opening up counseling centre , marriage , child counseling ect ...I realy want to do something for the muslim commuinty , I see so much injustice , it just makes me extremely frustrated that I am not doing anything .
Then their is my other dream of learning my religion , we need female scholars ,that is not the only reason , it is because I want to understand my religion , especialy the science of hadeeth , quran and arabic. Ignorance is not bliss what you do not know will certainly harm you . knowledge brings peace to the soul , providid you do it for Allah .
yeah I have a lot of ambitions , but for some reason I dont think their unrealistic either , on the other hand I would not like to tell anyone as I feel they may look at me like ' are you on lala land ?' ....One thing for sure I cannot sit and not help the muslim commuinty , I defintly want to take up a counseling course , I always ask Allah to make me wise so that I am well perpared to be a good counseler inshallah .
The other reason , for me wanting more wisdom , is so that I can write short storys , that people can contemplate on and learn from . This life is such a strange thing , filled with so many complications , like a man taking up a second wife , and the first wife losing it , I just feel their must be a better way with dealing with a disliked situation ? . From observing people (I have noticed this even about myself by the way ), is that when one is encountared with a problem, people crack and run away from it , instead of dealing with the situation at hand , solving a problem not only helps one grow and mature , but it makes you feel afterwards that you are able to sort whatever 'obstacles' that you may encounter in the future. Problems are sweet why make them bitter ?
at times we fall , catch yourself , why stay falling when you can get up ? . Just the more I think about it , the more I think their is a secret to living peacefuly .....

Allah

I skip , run
and jump
towards something I cannot see

I crawl ,slide
then walk
towards something that I yearn

I sing ,smile
and turn
each turn I yearn in hope

I pray , kneel
and prostrate
towards Allah that I need .

Oh men

Oh men you can say
whatever you like about us woman
But don't forget the womb that you were nurtured in

Oh men you can say
that woman's mind is deficient
But don't forget the woman that taught you to read an write

Oh men you can say
how much you are in charge of a woman
But don't forget who are the pedal movers in society

Oh men you can say
anything while you are breathing
you can control as much as you like
while you are still breathing
But don't forget
their will be a day of reckoning

you will have to answer to Allah
what did you do with your woman ?
what did you with that I entrusted you with ?

I don't care

I don't care who oppresses me
I care about who I oppress

I don't care about who backbites me
I care about who I backbite

I don't care about what others may do to me
I care about what I may do to others

They have their judgment
I have mine
my concern is mine

Another post on death

yeah I know another post on death ...today I just can't help it I keep thinking about it daily , i'm frightened of it and I feel tired of the thought why am i frightened of it ? well I keep thinking about what am I to do if I die and Allah is not happy with me ? no matter how much I do just does not seem enough ( it will never be enough even if I become the greatest alima in the world ) I know I will always fear death thats why I keep asking Allah to judge me by his mercy . Well actualy beg for mercy each and every day .
S o I ask myself ? why all of this thought about death wel again my age ..it's not like I'm but I seriouse am scared of getting older not because of looking older more well more I don't think I want to see anymore life and people and issues . I am such an idealist I wish everything was ideal . I keep thinking what is wrong with me that I have to be so abnormal ?
can't I just be like other woman ? shallow it's so much easyier then being a deep thinker . Then I think no , if I was shallow then i would never be able to hold myself accountable . I wouldn't care about what really matters about life . I would get upset over the most silly things like 'oh i wish I can have that ' . Constantly materialistic thats not life .
Death something I would not stop contemplating . My decisions in my life are based around death ..is this good for my death? if not leave it .

feeling caged in

Feeling totally suffocated. I HATE making big decisions but I have got myself in this mess yeah i keep like repeating that to myself erg. All today I skipped all my meals except breakfast and indulged in chocolate called 'heaven' by nestle ....after that hadn't anything to eat this is what I when I feel caged in and have lost all self control . whats my self control ? well as soon as I get to grips with myself I finally go and make sajood and ask Allah then calm down dramatically like someone has just drugged me with morphine .
I swear dua is such a drug for me it immediately calms me down and the energy around me is calm . Right feeling sick to the stomach I don't want to talk to no one . I suppose I feel repulsed by myself as to why I had to make so many stupid mistakes then when I do I let it get to me . Why ? I keep asking myself why? I just cant accept that I have made as mistake . These mistakes have so many consequences why ? .....Now I just want to give up on 'me' wishing someone would understand ....I'm going to stop whining
( not a good character trait I just needed to let out steam as to how I'm feeling right now )

My character

I have made a vow to Allah
that I will work on my character till I die

I will struggle with it
I will climb the ladder
then fall
then pick myself up again
I may fall fifty times
in my attempts to perfect my character
but eventually
I will get to the end of the tunnel
for Allah loves who struggle
don't give up
I keep telling myself
don't stop caring about your character

Allah loves those who try to perfect it
clean it
wipe it
shine it
sparkle it
even the most unattractive faces
become beautiful with a shining character .

I dream

I dream one day I will be so strong
that nothing in this world can break me

I dream one day
I will have positive energy radiating from me
passing it on to others willingly

I dream one day
my face will be filled with luminous light of happiness
for everyone to see.

I dream one day
I will be content always
with whatever situation Allah puts me in

I dream one day
I will do things that will please the beloved
and stay away from that which angers the beloved

I dream one day
I will always be able to inspire myself
and inspire others along with me

I dream one day
I will be able to except myself whatever maybe

I dream one day
that I shall understand all that I don't understand in this present time

I dream one day
I will make a change in this world
with the help of Allah
with the strength of Allah

I look into the mirror

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see two sad eyes
trying to be happy

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a guilty face
trying t make things right

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a broken heart
trying to mend itself with a needle and a thread of
'I am sorry'

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a lost soul
not sure which road to choose

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see eyes that want to cry
but the taps refuse to open

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a confused soul asking why ?
and how did I get myself here ?

I look int0 the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a brave face trying to stay strong
refusing to give into madness

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
each time I take a look
my feelings along with myself
struggle on a daily basis
with her thoughts and feelings

I give myself a hug of reassurance
YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE
theirs other's just like you ..
making similar journey's
feeling similar struggles

My imagination

I lay down and I imagine
Imagine myself
perfectly, beautifully happy

I walk through beautiful gardens
filling my eyes with the beauty of Allah's work

enchanted by serenity
enchanted by the beauty
each step I take in that garden

I feel nothing but salaam
I feel my eyes filled with pureness
I feel my limbs moving gently
not a single movement done in stress
only in peace .

All this I imagine only in my mind
it's my escapism
I know this is what it is like
in paradise
except far better .

I imagine feeling nothing
no fear
no worries
no anxiety
just peace humming through my soul

I imagine it's all OK
I imagine I'm strong
I imagine none of what is happening at this present time is happening

I keep holding to my imagination
of a bright light
I try walking towards the light
but I feel reality stands in my way
asking Allah
is this how its meant to be ?
is this the life ?
was I born in anxious state ?
subanallah
subanallah
subanallah
I leave that for you to contemplate .

My past actions

As I entered the green carpeted house after fours years
I finally had the courage to enter that door of the future
who knows what knocking on that door would bring me ?
perhaps happiness
perhaps sadness
only Allah knows
frankly speaking I didn't care I just knew this had to be done
regardless of the consequence
I brought this upon myself now I have to deal with it

one things for sure I just knew I had to take that first step
to break the ice with my parents
the thought of how they may react makes me feel sad
again it is your fault
but I cant spend the rest of my life saying
'what if?'

theirs many choices in life we make
sadly we have to bear the brunt of the consequences
I got myself into this mess and now I have to get myself out
No were to run
No way to wriggle myself out of this
it has to be done with honesty
straightforwardness
understanding

I can choose to run
for how long ?
I must take responsibility for my actions
its time for my reckoning with my parents
with my family as a whole
life's to short to let past actions haunt us

So I knocked on that door
and entered that green carpeted house for the first time in
four years
my sister let me in with a smile
she led me into the living room
I sat on the leather sofa
I looked around and saw pictures of my family
then I saw a school picture of me
I was surprised to see my school photo up their
with the rest of my other siblings
it was practically the only thing in the house
that suggested that 'I' once lived their

a realization took over me
I realized this is just the beginning of a long journey
to heal broken wounds
that I cut so deep

this is just the beginning of a long journey
that I have know idea were its going to end
I pray it has a happy ending
I hope it will be a happy ending

Diary entry of my sadness

Its been a while since I last updated my blog , been going through emotional turmoil . I feel sick inside and confused . I wish I understood the world sadly I don't and I wish I knew why ?I wish I understood why the things are the way they are it seems like each year that passes the world is getting worse . Is that just my imagination sometimes I think I'm deluding myself . I'm uncertain of myself and what I want may Allah bring it make it clear to me.I feel irritated by Muslims and upset with the world as a whole ....if that make sense to anyone ? I think were has the mercy gone ? where!? .Where has the wisdom gone ? Muslims these days don't seem very wise ....each and every one of them has their own little opinion on life and Islam .May Allah make me understand one day , may Allah make things clear for me one day ameen .
Up until a few weeks ago I realized how much I relied on a certain someone in my life , well that person has gone now . I must stand on my two feet it will be hard at first but inshallah it'll get easier .I will finally learn to cope with 'me' .I wish I can come out of my fantasy world ..just be in reality I'm constantly day dreaming about the way I wish things where . GET OVER IT ..I keep telling myself . but then slip right back in to the same mood of day dreaming . ever since I can remember I'd always day dreame in school where I would practically fall asleep in assembly because of my day dreaming .Back then I saw life so very simple now I see all the complications. If I could I would want to be a teenager again and just be blissfully ignorant . OK so ignorance isn't so blissful at time what you do know will certainly help you get through situations . I guess the feelings I'm going through right now is feelings of not feeling stable inside and not secure from within. Alot of uncertainty about all the things that is happening all around me .
I'm going to stop rambling now and just beg Allah to please make things clear for me ameen .

Building bridges

I need to build a bridge with Allah
all those who want to be my friend is welcome
all those who don't like me
it wont effect me
I'm building my bridge with Allah
after that nothing will effect me

all those who want to use me
that's OK my reward is with Allah
all those who want to backbite me
why your so generous
I'm reaping all you good deeds !

If you abandon me
I don't care
If you stay
then I shall love you
either way it wont scratch me
for I am building the strongest of bridges
that shall never break
only if I choose to forget Allah .

'Let go'

Let go of your lust for they will only bring you down Let go of your wants for they will only make you miserable Let go of your ego for it will keep you far from the 'one' Let go of people for the feelings will always make you feel trapped Let go of everything except Allah .

My thought's

I walk around looking as if I am living I'm here physically spiritually I'm somewhere else I don't feel I'm here I feel I am in some other world am I deluded ? and everyone else isn't? what is this feeling that I feel ? I try to empty my mind from a huge bucket that sits by my side it seems to me the more I try to empty the more it fills with lots more wild thoughts that tangle one another people speak to me in black and white tones but I know its not like that cant they see all the different other colours ? people just give me this look of 'oh well I don't know what your talking about' I walk around looking as if I am living I'm here physically spiritually I'm somewhere else I observe people rather then judge them I snatch a piece of paper trying to empty that bucket again that likes to fill again and again if only my wild thoughts would untangle so I break free from my thoughts I walk around looking as if I am living I'm only here physically spiritually am somewhere else I feel I'm far, far away in some other world that world is my mind with Allah talking to him my wild thoughts untangling each one working it out like working out a maze placing each thought in the right order eventually I will get their figuring out exactly whats bothering my poor soul then I will take a break have a long sip from a sweet cup of tea BUT not getting deluded that it is officially over it will never be over not until I die only then only then will the fight with my thoughts be over .

misreable

I often see people with miserable faces each one with a different story it seems to me people go through their whole life collecting their miserable emotions bottling them up in a jar tightening so tight to the extent theirs no room for forgiveness no room to just let go I wonder if these people would take a second to be just merciful to themselves then to others open that jar full of so much misery and pain and ask yourself do I really need this ?! I chose to be miserable for ten or twenty years carrying around the bitterness in my fine line wrinkles If only I was wise enough to just forgive I could have lived in the present instead I chose to live in the past I spent all those years miserable being angry and bitter all I had to was let go the jar is indeed full of anger pain sadness bitterness If only I had filled them with positive emotions Now there you are looking in the jar deciding were to start childhood memories? adulthood memories ? oh how hard it really is I suppose one can start with forgiveness Then the rest will take a step by step journey within myself you owe it to YOURSELF It will be hard emptying that jar that you have carried with you for so many years In the end it will be worth it you will be rewarded for it having a smiling face is loved by Allah frowning isn't!

If I .....

If I feel sad today I refuse for it to stop me from smiling If I feel jealous today I refuse for it to take over me If I feel bitter today I refuse for it to take over my life If I feel happy to day I refuse for it to delude me If I do good to day I refuse for it to make me feel self righteous If I do bad to day I refuse for it to stop me from repenting If I feel negative today I refuse to let myself be taken in by it If I feel positive today Then I shall put my positive energy into good use ! I refuse for my emotions to rule my life I refuse my imperfections to let me feel down rather it will only motivate me to become better .

My rant on death

Asalam alaykum .....Is it normal to always think about death? ever since I turned 20 since then I don't remeber a day that went by without me contemplating death ...I'm so scared Allah wont be happy with me ...at the same time I think how wonderful it would be if I had a wonderful death .A friend of mine and I were discussing the jenazah I said how I don't care how many people do not turn up to my occasions BUT PLEASE TURN UP AT MY FUNERAL ! that's how much it means to me .Its come to a point in my life that I really don't care about what happens to me in this world , yeah I make dua for the best , my main worry is when I die ...in reality that's true success ...in fact we REALLY are just travellers in this world . So I really don't understand why people choose to dwell in their problems.Its just so not worth it . So does anyone get stressed about dieing like I do ? or is it just me because I do feel it's just me ...whenever I try to talk about it, people don't seem interested . What I don't understand don't people notice that this world is REALLY nothing ? or is it just me ...I really do wonder .I just cant see what they see . I've noticed the obvious you finish one problem in your life then Allah brings another , so is this world really worth crying about ? I really wonder . Being positive, stay smiling no matter what the situation may be and inshallah we'll get through this world just fine :) inshallah . Just remember we really are just guests , were just going to be here temporarily , so don't get upset about it like its forever because its not !

Allah

Do not despair Allah does not love those who despair Do not get angry Allah loves those who bear with it Do not be sad Allah will always be their ready to sooth your heart Do not give up in his cause Allah loves those who keep on trying No matter how many failings Do not lose trust in the one Only the fool would do that .

I need

I need to make sajood otherwise forever I will be trapped in anxiety I need to make dua otherwise I will go insane I need you oh Allah otherwise I will wonder this earth meandering through life with no purpose You are indeed my light you are indeed my hope Oh Allah don't ever let go of my hand don't ever let go of me ....

Hope

Hope is an amazing thing if I was to imagine it I would imagine it as a beautiful box full of all my hopes each one with a different bright colour It would be in gold wrapping paper together with a pretty ribbon That will look absolutely Divine The box would be precious It must be kept safe tucked away in a safe place away from prying eyes Whenever you have a moment of despair go to that special place where you kept that box of hope hidden away from all those envying eyes envying you for staying so happy no matter what may be Now open that special box full of all your beautiful hopes make sure you unwrap it carefully so you can use the same gold paper with the pretty ribbon Now look inside You will find your eyes will be filled with delight so many happy colours you will absorb Now when you are full wrap the box again feeling silly for despairing You go to your prayer mat asking Allah for forgiveness This world is indeed full of hope we just need to make an effort to keep it alive don't let anything take that away from you Despairing will keep you stuck Hoping will keep you going

I can see the light

I can see the light It's right at the end of the road or so the expression goes I can see the light I will get to it eventually I will be their I can see the light all I have to do is walk towards It I can see the light yes I will have to walk walk on rocky road's That will cause a few scratches I can see the light It's no problem It's not that hard to get to it all it will take is a little effort I can see the light Ignore all that negative pain just keep on looking towards the light walk right towards it the scratches can be polished away It will all be over soon Soon it will be forgotten remembered when needed I can see the light all things are positive even the negative the light Will keep on burning as long as I keep on hoping.

follow up to ...so you want to change the world ?

It took me a while to finally grasp the concept that for big changes to happen small changes have to start . Its like trying to start to walk before you have even tried to crawl . Muslims these days try to change what goes on back home . politics and so on . that is never going to happen until you acknowledge that YOU have to change . Our homes are messed up yet were crying about whats going on in Palestine ....its because we are messed up that's why the world is the way it is . we have so many diseases in our community i cannot stress this anymore .
A friend told me how Rasool swa spent forty years working on his character, perfecting his character until actual revelation came to him . If the best of men worked on himself for that long then who are we to take such a matter lightly ?. It amazes me when Muslims say well 'am not the prophet' well then don't claim to be his follower . If you say you are aspiring to be like him then you better not come out with comments like that . know ones perfect changing oneself is a struggle.Success is sweeter when you worked hard for it . Change will only happen when we ourselves realize our character defects and actually want to change them . Islam is not appearance the inside is just as important if not more then the appearance . know one is going to enter jennah like that except only by the mercy of Allah .
As a final reminder it is obligation on us as Muslims to perfect our character you don't have a choice on the matter . It might take you a week to change one bad thing in you or might take you ten years , the point is you have to change . Good character is number one in Islam it is what will make family life better , community relations better and society a better ideal place to live in . The day we let go of our ego , the day when we say am sorry i was wrong may Allah forgive me . Is certainly the day when we will have positive change .

so you want to change the world ?

The day they noticed me change
is the day my family changed
the day people noticed their change
is the day the community changed
the day the society notice a community change
is the day when society decided to change
then when the world noticed society change
the world didn't have choice BUT to change .

our ummah

The day we are united is the day we worship the one The day we are united is the day we leave are national flags the day we are united is the day when we become sincere The day we are united is the day we let go of our ego The day we are united is the day we realise we are all partly to blame The day we are united is the day we stop pointing fingers The day we are united is the day when we wake up to our true purpose in life and stop pretending we are living it because we are not !

Trials

Allah's trials just keep on getting bigger Now the trial am going through is the hardest ever makes me scared what the next trial is going to be ? Oh Allah i know you are trying to teach me something Please let me figure it out so i can taste peace to be patient ? to leave ? that is the question Please let me figure it out so i can taste peace I'm getting tired i know i shouldn't complain if i don't complain to you then to whom can i complain ? My mind is running wild analysing each and every situation Scared of failing this trial Allah scared as hell iv failed trials before this I don't want to fail this one I hate regretting I'm tired of learning learning through pain please get me out of this molehill that i have dug so deep I feel like falling inside covering myself with whatever soil is their 'thou shall not exist anymore' The world is better off without me it doesn't need me with my dramatic 'drama' scenes of my life But off course that is haram Islam teaches you to face things rather then run away decisions have to be made whether their wrong or right you must deal with the consequences sadly that's life .

early 20's crisis

I'm 22 , i feel like am going through a mid life crisis . No am not am going through an early 20's crisis , when i turned 20 everything came well crashing down . my thoughts and feelings completely changed . i changed , i feel like well a new person . I don't feel the same am new .iv discovered myself my passions in life everything i should have done in my teens now i have to do it now . now i have big decisions to make inshallah may god make it the best one ameen . If these are the feelings am going through in my early 20's what am i going to have to deal with in my 30's ? who's to say I'm even going to live that long silly thinking about such things .

just like everyone else

Who do you think you are ?
don't you know
your a nobody?
you came from the two most filthy places
just like everyone else
strip you off your status
strip you off your colour
strip you of your nationality
whats left ?
just a soul like the rest of us
with issues like everyone else
so please bring your head down to reality
please humble yourself
realise your just a dot walking this earth
just like everyone else

problems

asalam alaykum , this post is about well problems . i hate calling them problems because it sounds so negative . problems can be so positive if only we could always see that .i think about everyones problems . to the extent i wish i could just stop thinking! its drives me mad , I'm actually planning on making a list of every ones problems i know so far then sitting and making dua for each one . for some reason that would make me feel better . i cant change the situation for them only they and allah can do it . but at least i can make dua which most underestimate the power of this tool . dua has pretty much gotten me through life . whenever i have any issue its dua and sajood now . suddenly i feel a huge burden has been taken from me .

problems are going to inshallah get me to allah . now getting to allah isnt an easy path theirs going to be lots of rocky patches , winding roads that i have to walk through ,mountains i have to climb then finally i will find myself sitting i a beautiful surrounding with lots of light . That's my true destination its called peace . its called jennah . we are truly just guests in this world if only we could conceive this . if we would then our problems which just be treated like a pinch of salt . my mantra is 'its just for today don't worry its in Allah's hands' . sometimes i feel i live in a dream like state and everyone else lives i reality . perhaps I'm idealistic .

If i had to ask everyone to inscribe their problems on a huge mountain we would still need more space to inscribe on to it !its madness i think subanallah about this life when i was a little girl how ignorant i was of this world? now I'm all grown up and feel thrown into all of it without no warning .ill end it at that ill continue making dua and try to get knowledge inshallah .

judging

when you see a woman

and you judge her as loose

know that it could have been you



when you see a junkie

and you judge them

know that it could have been you



when you see a beggar on the street

and you judge them

know that it could have been you



when you see a person committing shameful acts

and you judge them

know that it could have been you



stop judging

think

you dont know what they have seen in life
some people dont know better

judgment

when you see a women

and you judge her as loose

know that she has issues



when you see a person

and you judge them as a junkie

know that person has had a broken life





when you see a beggar on a street

and you judge them, then call them a liar

know that they never had your life



experiences is what makes you who you are

stop judging

think how you can help them

my parents

My parents tried to mould me
but i wouldn't mould
My parents tried to shape me
but i wouldn't shape
My parents tried to control me
but i wouldn't be controlled
then i found tawheed
then i changed forever

Truth

Truth came to me
its spoke to me pearls of wisdom
it filled my heart with unimaginable love
that i never knew existed

Truth came to me
it sat next to me
its sang to me love and tranquility

Truth came to me it made me feel better
it made me feel warm on the inside
cool on the outside

Truth came to me
it filled me with luminous light
that can only be seen not described

Truth came to me
it changed me
it made me sincere

Truth came to me
simply because
my heart
my mind
my soul
invited it
first as a guest
then considered its proposition
then i excepted with an embrace .

Locked Door

In all the sea of my emotions
That i fight every day
with myself

I know i need to open the door
with the key that sits in my hand
I look through the keyhole
their i see

A beam of light that's so bright inviting me
calling me to peace
telling me i am what you have been looking for
your hopes
your dreams

I try to open the door with the key
the door refuses to open
I push
I try
Still it refuses to budge

I realise then , the only way this door of light is to open
The state of my heart must change
for my heart is the key to that door
the key will only work in accordance with me

So i sit leaning against the door with the key in my hands
asking Allah to help me change my state
For the time being am just looking through the keyhole
looking and seeing whats awaiting me

Its up to me to change
if i don't
Then i am forever leaning against that door
with the key sitting in my hand
while the light shines on the other side

forgive me

As i stand in the rain
I plead with Allah
Asking him please forgive me for my weaknesses
please judge me by your mercy
I'm struggling to reach the end
I feel the rain washing over me
I know i brought this upon myself
I realize now my foolishness
Please forgive me for my naivety
Please forgive me for thinking i know it all
I'm asking you sincerely
pleading with you
with nothing left of me except just 'me'
I'm nobody will always be a nobody
I don't know better then you Allah
I admit that now
I was foolish then
Please forgive me
I need you
If you close your door on me now
Then where shall i turn ?
Who will i ask for aid ?
Who will relieve me off my pain ?
I'm sitting down now
All soaked in the rain
In all my silliness
Feelings of shame and guilt
Asking you
pleading with you
forgive me , forgive me .....

Turn to Allah

When you have a terrible day
You just want to scream
just turn to Allah

When your feeling so down
you have lost all hope
just turn Allah

when your feeling betrayed
you just want to curse
just turn to Allah

when you can't see a way out
of a terrible situation
just turn to Allah

when your feeling like
you have no self esteem
just turn to Allah

when your feeling all OK and
the world is at your feet
just remember not to forget Allah
you can then be certain he will remember you !

Painful insecuritys taking over me

My insecurity's is a complex thing in my life
You wouldn't think so by looking at me
my insecurity's vary
At times its mellow
other times its dramatic
then their are times where its painful
really painful
it feels like
A metal wire with sharp edges
winding itself round my whole body slowly ,painfully
almost suffocating me
making it hard for me to breath
my stomach lurching in all different directions
turning ,turning and turning
trying to make it stop
trying to get it under control
trying to fight it
but then i just sit their
letting it take over me .

problems make you wiser! offcourse if you choose for it to be ...

To day i was at a sister house , i visit her every Monday she's wheel chair bound . she cant go out much so its gets lonely for her and she's only 35 . so i visit her every Monday cook her something ect ...she has mashallah 3 children this is like the second visit iv made to her , we soon discovered we have alot in common we both love art and generally into the whole funky side to life . she's a fashion designer very soon i told her am doing a diploma in it , I'm hoping to become a children's fashion designer perhaps we can start something to together ? online ?
i think its amazing how Allah just puts people in your life , i always contemplate the new people that arrive in my life its not a coincidence and certainly not an accident . whenever i experience a problem in my life someone just comes from know were and answerer's a question that i have had on my mind for a while that's not a COINCIDENCE ...that's Allah . Its the little things in life that truly make a difference . If we just contemplate the little things in life you will see how truly this life were living in is for learning . sadly some people just don't get it . some people get it when their in old age . some never get it .
getting to the point about problems . well we spoke about her legs how shes temporarily unable to move properly until inshallah she will have a hip operation (may Allah make it easy for her ameen) . she said how having children changed her , how she doesn't want to blame her children . i said no its not your children its life we change and grow things have to happen for us to realise who we are and are able to tackle things and grow on the inside . rather then grow on the outside stay the same on the inside .
its all about growing and becoming a better person . problems shouldn't be issues they need to be their to make you better 'for you to learn' . look at problems as well a game right how am i going to pass this game ? i need to understand what tools i shall need to win this game then when you win the game you can contemplate and think ahh that's what i needed to know . when you loose the game that's 'OK' you've still learnt something , you can teach others .
But off course its all about whether your interested in learning its all down to you are you interested ?

A sweet text message i recieved today

Happiness keeps you sweet
trials keep you strong
sorrows keep you human
failures keep you humble
success keeps you glowing
but allah (swt) keeps you going

Satan

when i could see Satan in the front
he would come to me from the back
when i recognize him their
he would turn and come to me from the left side
when he realizes i realize his presence
he would turn and come to me from the right side
when i find him their it seems theirs no end
he finally decides to pretend hes not their
but i knew he was their
and he knew i knew he was their
breathing fire
fire of hatred
fire of bitterness
fire of jealousy at how Allah chose me over him
simply because i am human
i can feel him almost breathing down my neck
making me feel sick
he would shift and slide down to the soles of my feet
shaking me every time i walk
telling me you cant get away from me
you will have to fight me till you die
sometimes i would recognize him
sometimes i cant
but i still know hes their
just not sure were
he trys day and night to bring me down
when i see him deceive others
and they cant see it
i scream it is SATAN I TELL YOU !
IT IS SATAN I TELL YOU !
my screams fall on deaf ears
i fall to the ground
my heart filled with utter sadness
how sad is this world
how deceptive this life truly is
something strange started happening to me at that point
a ray of light cut right through to my soul
a little bird perched on my soul
sang to it
sang to it hope
sang to it
sang to love
sang to it
sang to tranquility
its OK
its OK
just keep holding on to that rope
the rope of Allah :)
i say this with nothing on my face
except a smile
a smile of tranquility in all this grief

iman

my iman ?
well it fights for life it picks itself then drops itself into the water disappearing with the rest of the river
then somehow its finds its way back to me
and again i begin my struggle of keeping it alive
theirs something fighting inside me between good and evil why?
am not really quite sure
one day i will find the solution for this struggle
and even then i know i will Wait for a new struggle to come my way
to take away what little imaan i have
but as long as i continue praying and keep myself sincere
then inshallah i know i will win the fight every time
as i have done before
for as i long as i know its only a momentarily thing that will come to pass
so be patient ,be patient ,be patient

'Im the queen of confusion '

I'm the queen of confusion
nothing makes sense anymore
i wish i knew why ?
i have far to many self realizations
they came out of know where
without no warning

I'm the queen of confusion
sure am the queen of confusion
these self realizations have changed me
changed me forever
or so that's how i feel

I'm the queen of confusion
its gulping me down in the confusion of nothingness
I'm despairing
i know i shouldn't

I'm the queen of confusion
so please help me
help me empty this mind
help me rid my mind of this confusion

I'm the queen of confusion
its going to take me into a deep black hole
if i don't stop this confusion now
i will be forever gone
gone into madness

I'm the queen of confusion
this confusion is pushing me
pushing me towards something
am not quite sure

im the queen of confusion
buts its exceptable to be confused
because.....

I know one day i will wake up and all of these feelings of confusion as i like to call it will all make sense one day .Then i will be filled with excitement and joy . I will feel i have succeeded in understanding something , something deep , very deep within me.
This isn't about me this about my journey to my lord
on this journey i must except that i will have to battle many thoughts
that will try to lead me astray
every time i think iv fallen
somehow i manage to pick myself up , as i do i catch the rope of allah .For as long as i hold on to it tight i know
that is my sanctity :)