If I could

If I could
I would
lay in the sand
with my eyes closed
and allow my body to soak the heat
not caring that I will get darker

If I could
I would
sniff lavender all day
allowing the feeling to take over my mind

If I could
I would
Run through a naturist site
taking in the beauty
capturing it in my mind

If I could
I would
spend a whole day
not thinking
not caring
just laughing
So that all you could see
was my white teeth

If I could
I would
sit with a group of people
say nothing
do nothing
just allow my ears to take in the wisdom

If I could
I would
take back every wrong I ever did
I would do the things I intended to do
I would kiss my mothers feet
and promise never to say a bad word to her

If I could
I would
wipe every negative memory
I have
hiding away in the cupboard with the lost key

If I could
I would
open a canteen just for those who need
I would vow to make sure
every one of them that left
left with a smile

feeling caged in

Feeling totally suffocated. I HATE making big decisions but I have got myself in this mess yeah i keep like repeating that to myself erg. All today I skipped all my meals except breakfast and indulged in chocolate called 'heaven' by nestle ....after that hadn't anything to eat this is what I when I feel caged in and have lost all self control . whats my self control ? well as soon as I get to grips with myself I finally go and make sajood and ask Allah then calm down dramatically like someone has just drugged me with morphine .
I swear dua is such a drug for me it immediately calms me down and the energy around me is calm . Right feeling sick to the stomach I don't want to talk to no one . I suppose I feel repulsed by myself as to why I had to make so many stupid mistakes then when I do I let it get to me . Why ? I keep asking myself why? I just cant accept that I have made as mistake . These mistakes have so many consequences why ? .....Now I just want to give up on 'me' wishing someone would understand ....I'm going to stop whining
( not a good character trait I just needed to let out steam as to how I'm feeling right now )

I dream

I dream one day I will be so strong
that nothing in this world can break me

I dream one day
I will have positive energy radiating from me
passing it on to others willingly

I dream one day
my face will be filled with luminous light of happiness
for everyone to see.

I dream one day
I will be content always
with whatever situation Allah puts me in

I dream one day
I will do things that will please the beloved
and stay away from that which angers the beloved

I dream one day
I will always be able to inspire myself
and inspire others along with me

I dream one day
I will be able to except myself whatever maybe

I dream one day
that I shall understand all that I don't understand in this present time

I dream one day
I will make a change in this world
with the help of Allah
with the strength of Allah

I look into the mirror

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see two sad eyes
trying to be happy

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a guilty face
trying t make things right

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a broken heart
trying to mend itself with a needle and a thread of
'I am sorry'

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a lost soul
not sure which road to choose

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see eyes that want to cry
but the taps refuse to open

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a confused soul asking why ?
and how did I get myself here ?

I look int0 the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a brave face trying to stay strong
refusing to give into madness

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
each time I take a look
my feelings along with myself
struggle on a daily basis
with her thoughts and feelings

I give myself a hug of reassurance
YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE
theirs other's just like you ..
making similar journey's
feeling similar struggles

My imagination

I lay down and I imagine
Imagine myself
perfectly, beautifully happy

I walk through beautiful gardens
filling my eyes with the beauty of Allah's work

enchanted by serenity
enchanted by the beauty
each step I take in that garden

I feel nothing but salaam
I feel my eyes filled with pureness
I feel my limbs moving gently
not a single movement done in stress
only in peace .

All this I imagine only in my mind
it's my escapism
I know this is what it is like
in paradise
except far better .

I imagine feeling nothing
no fear
no worries
no anxiety
just peace humming through my soul

I imagine it's all OK
I imagine I'm strong
I imagine none of what is happening at this present time is happening

I keep holding to my imagination
of a bright light
I try walking towards the light
but I feel reality stands in my way
asking Allah
is this how its meant to be ?
is this the life ?
was I born in anxious state ?
subanallah
subanallah
subanallah
I leave that for you to contemplate .

Diary entry of my sadness

Its been a while since I last updated my blog , been going through emotional turmoil . I feel sick inside and confused . I wish I understood the world sadly I don't and I wish I knew why ?I wish I understood why the things are the way they are it seems like each year that passes the world is getting worse . Is that just my imagination sometimes I think I'm deluding myself . I'm uncertain of myself and what I want may Allah bring it make it clear to me.I feel irritated by Muslims and upset with the world as a whole ....if that make sense to anyone ? I think were has the mercy gone ? where!? .Where has the wisdom gone ? Muslims these days don't seem very wise ....each and every one of them has their own little opinion on life and Islam .May Allah make me understand one day , may Allah make things clear for me one day ameen .
Up until a few weeks ago I realized how much I relied on a certain someone in my life , well that person has gone now . I must stand on my two feet it will be hard at first but inshallah it'll get easier .I will finally learn to cope with 'me' .I wish I can come out of my fantasy world ..just be in reality I'm constantly day dreaming about the way I wish things where . GET OVER IT ..I keep telling myself . but then slip right back in to the same mood of day dreaming . ever since I can remember I'd always day dreame in school where I would practically fall asleep in assembly because of my day dreaming .Back then I saw life so very simple now I see all the complications. If I could I would want to be a teenager again and just be blissfully ignorant . OK so ignorance isn't so blissful at time what you do know will certainly help you get through situations . I guess the feelings I'm going through right now is feelings of not feeling stable inside and not secure from within. Alot of uncertainty about all the things that is happening all around me .
I'm going to stop rambling now and just beg Allah to please make things clear for me ameen .

misreable

I often see people with miserable faces each one with a different story it seems to me people go through their whole life collecting their miserable emotions bottling them up in a jar tightening so tight to the extent theirs no room for forgiveness no room to just let go I wonder if these people would take a second to be just merciful to themselves then to others open that jar full of so much misery and pain and ask yourself do I really need this ?! I chose to be miserable for ten or twenty years carrying around the bitterness in my fine line wrinkles If only I was wise enough to just forgive I could have lived in the present instead I chose to live in the past I spent all those years miserable being angry and bitter all I had to was let go the jar is indeed full of anger pain sadness bitterness If only I had filled them with positive emotions Now there you are looking in the jar deciding were to start childhood memories? adulthood memories ? oh how hard it really is I suppose one can start with forgiveness Then the rest will take a step by step journey within myself you owe it to YOURSELF It will be hard emptying that jar that you have carried with you for so many years In the end it will be worth it you will be rewarded for it having a smiling face is loved by Allah frowning isn't!

If I .....

If I feel sad today I refuse for it to stop me from smiling If I feel jealous today I refuse for it to take over me If I feel bitter today I refuse for it to take over my life If I feel happy to day I refuse for it to delude me If I do good to day I refuse for it to make me feel self righteous If I do bad to day I refuse for it to stop me from repenting If I feel negative today I refuse to let myself be taken in by it If I feel positive today Then I shall put my positive energy into good use ! I refuse for my emotions to rule my life I refuse my imperfections to let me feel down rather it will only motivate me to become better .

My rant on death

Asalam alaykum .....Is it normal to always think about death? ever since I turned 20 since then I don't remeber a day that went by without me contemplating death ...I'm so scared Allah wont be happy with me ...at the same time I think how wonderful it would be if I had a wonderful death .A friend of mine and I were discussing the jenazah I said how I don't care how many people do not turn up to my occasions BUT PLEASE TURN UP AT MY FUNERAL ! that's how much it means to me .Its come to a point in my life that I really don't care about what happens to me in this world , yeah I make dua for the best , my main worry is when I die ...in reality that's true success ...in fact we REALLY are just travellers in this world . So I really don't understand why people choose to dwell in their problems.Its just so not worth it . So does anyone get stressed about dieing like I do ? or is it just me because I do feel it's just me ...whenever I try to talk about it, people don't seem interested . What I don't understand don't people notice that this world is REALLY nothing ? or is it just me ...I really do wonder .I just cant see what they see . I've noticed the obvious you finish one problem in your life then Allah brings another , so is this world really worth crying about ? I really wonder . Being positive, stay smiling no matter what the situation may be and inshallah we'll get through this world just fine :) inshallah . Just remember we really are just guests , were just going to be here temporarily , so don't get upset about it like its forever because its not !

I need

I need to make sajood otherwise forever I will be trapped in anxiety I need to make dua otherwise I will go insane I need you oh Allah otherwise I will wonder this earth meandering through life with no purpose You are indeed my light you are indeed my hope Oh Allah don't ever let go of my hand don't ever let go of me ....

Hope

Hope is an amazing thing if I was to imagine it I would imagine it as a beautiful box full of all my hopes each one with a different bright colour It would be in gold wrapping paper together with a pretty ribbon That will look absolutely Divine The box would be precious It must be kept safe tucked away in a safe place away from prying eyes Whenever you have a moment of despair go to that special place where you kept that box of hope hidden away from all those envying eyes envying you for staying so happy no matter what may be Now open that special box full of all your beautiful hopes make sure you unwrap it carefully so you can use the same gold paper with the pretty ribbon Now look inside You will find your eyes will be filled with delight so many happy colours you will absorb Now when you are full wrap the box again feeling silly for despairing You go to your prayer mat asking Allah for forgiveness This world is indeed full of hope we just need to make an effort to keep it alive don't let anything take that away from you Despairing will keep you stuck Hoping will keep you going

follow up to ...so you want to change the world ?

It took me a while to finally grasp the concept that for big changes to happen small changes have to start . Its like trying to start to walk before you have even tried to crawl . Muslims these days try to change what goes on back home . politics and so on . that is never going to happen until you acknowledge that YOU have to change . Our homes are messed up yet were crying about whats going on in Palestine ....its because we are messed up that's why the world is the way it is . we have so many diseases in our community i cannot stress this anymore .
A friend told me how Rasool swa spent forty years working on his character, perfecting his character until actual revelation came to him . If the best of men worked on himself for that long then who are we to take such a matter lightly ?. It amazes me when Muslims say well 'am not the prophet' well then don't claim to be his follower . If you say you are aspiring to be like him then you better not come out with comments like that . know ones perfect changing oneself is a struggle.Success is sweeter when you worked hard for it . Change will only happen when we ourselves realize our character defects and actually want to change them . Islam is not appearance the inside is just as important if not more then the appearance . know one is going to enter jennah like that except only by the mercy of Allah .
As a final reminder it is obligation on us as Muslims to perfect our character you don't have a choice on the matter . It might take you a week to change one bad thing in you or might take you ten years , the point is you have to change . Good character is number one in Islam it is what will make family life better , community relations better and society a better ideal place to live in . The day we let go of our ego , the day when we say am sorry i was wrong may Allah forgive me . Is certainly the day when we will have positive change .

our ummah

The day we are united is the day we worship the one The day we are united is the day we leave are national flags the day we are united is the day when we become sincere The day we are united is the day we let go of our ego The day we are united is the day we realise we are all partly to blame The day we are united is the day we stop pointing fingers The day we are united is the day when we wake up to our true purpose in life and stop pretending we are living it because we are not !

Trials

Allah's trials just keep on getting bigger Now the trial am going through is the hardest ever makes me scared what the next trial is going to be ? Oh Allah i know you are trying to teach me something Please let me figure it out so i can taste peace to be patient ? to leave ? that is the question Please let me figure it out so i can taste peace I'm getting tired i know i shouldn't complain if i don't complain to you then to whom can i complain ? My mind is running wild analysing each and every situation Scared of failing this trial Allah scared as hell iv failed trials before this I don't want to fail this one I hate regretting I'm tired of learning learning through pain please get me out of this molehill that i have dug so deep I feel like falling inside covering myself with whatever soil is their 'thou shall not exist anymore' The world is better off without me it doesn't need me with my dramatic 'drama' scenes of my life But off course that is haram Islam teaches you to face things rather then run away decisions have to be made whether their wrong or right you must deal with the consequences sadly that's life .

early 20's crisis

I'm 22 , i feel like am going through a mid life crisis . No am not am going through an early 20's crisis , when i turned 20 everything came well crashing down . my thoughts and feelings completely changed . i changed , i feel like well a new person . I don't feel the same am new .iv discovered myself my passions in life everything i should have done in my teens now i have to do it now . now i have big decisions to make inshallah may god make it the best one ameen . If these are the feelings am going through in my early 20's what am i going to have to deal with in my 30's ? who's to say I'm even going to live that long silly thinking about such things .

just like everyone else

Who do you think you are ?
don't you know
your a nobody?
you came from the two most filthy places
just like everyone else
strip you off your status
strip you off your colour
strip you of your nationality
whats left ?
just a soul like the rest of us
with issues like everyone else
so please bring your head down to reality
please humble yourself
realise your just a dot walking this earth
just like everyone else

problems

asalam alaykum , this post is about well problems . i hate calling them problems because it sounds so negative . problems can be so positive if only we could always see that .i think about everyones problems . to the extent i wish i could just stop thinking! its drives me mad , I'm actually planning on making a list of every ones problems i know so far then sitting and making dua for each one . for some reason that would make me feel better . i cant change the situation for them only they and allah can do it . but at least i can make dua which most underestimate the power of this tool . dua has pretty much gotten me through life . whenever i have any issue its dua and sajood now . suddenly i feel a huge burden has been taken from me .

problems are going to inshallah get me to allah . now getting to allah isnt an easy path theirs going to be lots of rocky patches , winding roads that i have to walk through ,mountains i have to climb then finally i will find myself sitting i a beautiful surrounding with lots of light . That's my true destination its called peace . its called jennah . we are truly just guests in this world if only we could conceive this . if we would then our problems which just be treated like a pinch of salt . my mantra is 'its just for today don't worry its in Allah's hands' . sometimes i feel i live in a dream like state and everyone else lives i reality . perhaps I'm idealistic .

If i had to ask everyone to inscribe their problems on a huge mountain we would still need more space to inscribe on to it !its madness i think subanallah about this life when i was a little girl how ignorant i was of this world? now I'm all grown up and feel thrown into all of it without no warning .ill end it at that ill continue making dua and try to get knowledge inshallah .

judging

when you see a woman

and you judge her as loose

know that it could have been you



when you see a junkie

and you judge them

know that it could have been you



when you see a beggar on the street

and you judge them

know that it could have been you



when you see a person committing shameful acts

and you judge them

know that it could have been you



stop judging

think

you dont know what they have seen in life
some people dont know better

judgment

when you see a women

and you judge her as loose

know that she has issues



when you see a person

and you judge them as a junkie

know that person has had a broken life





when you see a beggar on a street

and you judge them, then call them a liar

know that they never had your life



experiences is what makes you who you are

stop judging

think how you can help them

Painful insecuritys taking over me

My insecurity's is a complex thing in my life
You wouldn't think so by looking at me
my insecurity's vary
At times its mellow
other times its dramatic
then their are times where its painful
really painful
it feels like
A metal wire with sharp edges
winding itself round my whole body slowly ,painfully
almost suffocating me
making it hard for me to breath
my stomach lurching in all different directions
turning ,turning and turning
trying to make it stop
trying to get it under control
trying to fight it
but then i just sit their
letting it take over me .