I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

seeing oppression
me not being able to do anything
I'm sick of it !


I'm sick of it !

culture that only makes life more difficult
then needed
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

people sitting and watching oppression
something can be done yet nothing is done
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

seeing mothers bringing up their children on material ideas
when they should be brought up on humility
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

woman who only talk about shallow things
when subject is changed
it only returns to what they brought the other day
I'm sick of it !


I'm sick of it !

Muslim groups each one claiming 'it' is right
pointing fingers at each other
each one saying the other is false
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it!

coming across so called religious people
who are arrogant , obnoxious and self righteous
I'm sick of it !

I'm sick of it !

watching the world being brainwashed by the media
watching Satan polishing their thoughts
watching Satan confirming their ideas

............................I tell you ....I'm sick of it

My thoughts

I have so many thoughts swimming around , that makes me want to write, for some reason I just don't know were to start . My thoughts are mixed with alot of mixed feelings and emotions that I realy cannot express. yesterday I read an article that I could not finish reading because I found it very distressing, It was about Abeer a 14 year old girl raped and killed in Iraq , I do not want to go in great detail about it , but I remember being told about the story before , I had wanted to cry then about it , then made myself forget , I just get very emotional and distressed about these things . I cannot accept that these things are happening and me well just sitting her doing nothing .
I keep day dreaming and thinking about what 'I' can do to contribute to the ummah ? one time I had a fleeting thought passed my mind , about opening a charity , helping rape victims , especialy in the middle east since such subjects are such a taboo over their . Or opening up counseling centre , marriage , child counseling ect ...I realy want to do something for the muslim commuinty , I see so much injustice , it just makes me extremely frustrated that I am not doing anything .
Then their is my other dream of learning my religion , we need female scholars ,that is not the only reason , it is because I want to understand my religion , especialy the science of hadeeth , quran and arabic. Ignorance is not bliss what you do not know will certainly harm you . knowledge brings peace to the soul , providid you do it for Allah .
yeah I have a lot of ambitions , but for some reason I dont think their unrealistic either , on the other hand I would not like to tell anyone as I feel they may look at me like ' are you on lala land ?' ....One thing for sure I cannot sit and not help the muslim commuinty , I defintly want to take up a counseling course , I always ask Allah to make me wise so that I am well perpared to be a good counseler inshallah .
The other reason , for me wanting more wisdom , is so that I can write short storys , that people can contemplate on and learn from . This life is such a strange thing , filled with so many complications , like a man taking up a second wife , and the first wife losing it , I just feel their must be a better way with dealing with a disliked situation ? . From observing people (I have noticed this even about myself by the way ), is that when one is encountared with a problem, people crack and run away from it , instead of dealing with the situation at hand , solving a problem not only helps one grow and mature , but it makes you feel afterwards that you are able to sort whatever 'obstacles' that you may encounter in the future. Problems are sweet why make them bitter ?
at times we fall , catch yourself , why stay falling when you can get up ? . Just the more I think about it , the more I think their is a secret to living peacefuly .....

Allah

I skip , run
and jump
towards something I cannot see

I crawl ,slide
then walk
towards something that I yearn

I sing ,smile
and turn
each turn I yearn in hope

I pray , kneel
and prostrate
towards Allah that I need .

Oh men

Oh men you can say
whatever you like about us woman
But don't forget the womb that you were nurtured in

Oh men you can say
that woman's mind is deficient
But don't forget the woman that taught you to read an write

Oh men you can say
how much you are in charge of a woman
But don't forget who are the pedal movers in society

Oh men you can say
anything while you are breathing
you can control as much as you like
while you are still breathing
But don't forget
their will be a day of reckoning

you will have to answer to Allah
what did you do with your woman ?
what did you with that I entrusted you with ?

I don't care

I don't care who oppresses me
I care about who I oppress

I don't care about who backbites me
I care about who I backbite

I don't care about what others may do to me
I care about what I may do to others

They have their judgment
I have mine
my concern is mine

Another post on death

yeah I know another post on death ...today I just can't help it I keep thinking about it daily , i'm frightened of it and I feel tired of the thought why am i frightened of it ? well I keep thinking about what am I to do if I die and Allah is not happy with me ? no matter how much I do just does not seem enough ( it will never be enough even if I become the greatest alima in the world ) I know I will always fear death thats why I keep asking Allah to judge me by his mercy . Well actualy beg for mercy each and every day .
S o I ask myself ? why all of this thought about death wel again my age ..it's not like I'm but I seriouse am scared of getting older not because of looking older more well more I don't think I want to see anymore life and people and issues . I am such an idealist I wish everything was ideal . I keep thinking what is wrong with me that I have to be so abnormal ?
can't I just be like other woman ? shallow it's so much easyier then being a deep thinker . Then I think no , if I was shallow then i would never be able to hold myself accountable . I wouldn't care about what really matters about life . I would get upset over the most silly things like 'oh i wish I can have that ' . Constantly materialistic thats not life .
Death something I would not stop contemplating . My decisions in my life are based around death ..is this good for my death? if not leave it .

feeling caged in

Feeling totally suffocated. I HATE making big decisions but I have got myself in this mess yeah i keep like repeating that to myself erg. All today I skipped all my meals except breakfast and indulged in chocolate called 'heaven' by nestle ....after that hadn't anything to eat this is what I when I feel caged in and have lost all self control . whats my self control ? well as soon as I get to grips with myself I finally go and make sajood and ask Allah then calm down dramatically like someone has just drugged me with morphine .
I swear dua is such a drug for me it immediately calms me down and the energy around me is calm . Right feeling sick to the stomach I don't want to talk to no one . I suppose I feel repulsed by myself as to why I had to make so many stupid mistakes then when I do I let it get to me . Why ? I keep asking myself why? I just cant accept that I have made as mistake . These mistakes have so many consequences why ? .....Now I just want to give up on 'me' wishing someone would understand ....I'm going to stop whining
( not a good character trait I just needed to let out steam as to how I'm feeling right now )

My character

I have made a vow to Allah
that I will work on my character till I die

I will struggle with it
I will climb the ladder
then fall
then pick myself up again
I may fall fifty times
in my attempts to perfect my character
but eventually
I will get to the end of the tunnel
for Allah loves who struggle
don't give up
I keep telling myself
don't stop caring about your character

Allah loves those who try to perfect it
clean it
wipe it
shine it
sparkle it
even the most unattractive faces
become beautiful with a shining character .

I dream

I dream one day I will be so strong
that nothing in this world can break me

I dream one day
I will have positive energy radiating from me
passing it on to others willingly

I dream one day
my face will be filled with luminous light of happiness
for everyone to see.

I dream one day
I will be content always
with whatever situation Allah puts me in

I dream one day
I will do things that will please the beloved
and stay away from that which angers the beloved

I dream one day
I will always be able to inspire myself
and inspire others along with me

I dream one day
I will be able to except myself whatever maybe

I dream one day
that I shall understand all that I don't understand in this present time

I dream one day
I will make a change in this world
with the help of Allah
with the strength of Allah

I look into the mirror

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see two sad eyes
trying to be happy

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a guilty face
trying t make things right

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a broken heart
trying to mend itself with a needle and a thread of
'I am sorry'

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a lost soul
not sure which road to choose

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see eyes that want to cry
but the taps refuse to open

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a confused soul asking why ?
and how did I get myself here ?

I look int0 the mirror
the mirror never lies
I see a brave face trying to stay strong
refusing to give into madness

I look into the mirror
the mirror never lies
each time I take a look
my feelings along with myself
struggle on a daily basis
with her thoughts and feelings

I give myself a hug of reassurance
YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE
theirs other's just like you ..
making similar journey's
feeling similar struggles

My imagination

I lay down and I imagine
Imagine myself
perfectly, beautifully happy

I walk through beautiful gardens
filling my eyes with the beauty of Allah's work

enchanted by serenity
enchanted by the beauty
each step I take in that garden

I feel nothing but salaam
I feel my eyes filled with pureness
I feel my limbs moving gently
not a single movement done in stress
only in peace .

All this I imagine only in my mind
it's my escapism
I know this is what it is like
in paradise
except far better .

I imagine feeling nothing
no fear
no worries
no anxiety
just peace humming through my soul

I imagine it's all OK
I imagine I'm strong
I imagine none of what is happening at this present time is happening

I keep holding to my imagination
of a bright light
I try walking towards the light
but I feel reality stands in my way
asking Allah
is this how its meant to be ?
is this the life ?
was I born in anxious state ?
subanallah
subanallah
subanallah
I leave that for you to contemplate .