When I needed you

When I needed you
you left me to my tears
when I needed you
you gave me a hard shoulder
each and every time I wondered why
all I needed was love
all I needed was a smile
instead I was staying strong
while you were crippling in front me
I thought it would be all ok
once I have the baby
no instead it was too late
the damage you caused has really scarred me
I don't trust you anymore
I told you so
Now I don't love you
no affection to give
except a hard shoulder
like the one you once gave me
I see you try to make things work
I pity you
yet I feel guilt
Maybe I should try
so here I am trying to try
making istakhara
don't want to be held accountable for you
when I needed you
you weren't their
I was just left their to my pain
feeling all alone
All I remember of those days
was nothing but sadness
At that time I thought I had it all
No I was deluded
I only convinced my self of that
only because I was alone
Now I am older
not so naive anymore
to bad for you
guess the damage is done
feels irreparable
guess I don't like you anymore
or maybe I never liked you so
Just a heart hard I feel towards you
so when I needed you the most
where you their for me ?
no instead you asked me
to be their for you
Wish I learnt then to turn to god
Wish I knew then not expect anything from anyone
Wish I had the will
Wish I was not such a crybaby
through pain
their is wisdom
Guess I should be happy
guess I should forget
I have forgiven you
I just don't trust you
I know your the same
because the other day
God made me sick
did you give me sympathy?
did you hug me ?
that's all I needed
no you were too worried about the vomit
instead had a go at me for breaking the lock

When I needed you
and when I need you
I only expect one thing
that is to be alone

If I could

If I could
I would
lay in the sand
with my eyes closed
and allow my body to soak the heat
not caring that I will get darker

If I could
I would
sniff lavender all day
allowing the feeling to take over my mind

If I could
I would
Run through a naturist site
taking in the beauty
capturing it in my mind

If I could
I would
spend a whole day
not thinking
not caring
just laughing
So that all you could see
was my white teeth

If I could
I would
sit with a group of people
say nothing
do nothing
just allow my ears to take in the wisdom

If I could
I would
take back every wrong I ever did
I would do the things I intended to do
I would kiss my mothers feet
and promise never to say a bad word to her

If I could
I would
wipe every negative memory
I have
hiding away in the cupboard with the lost key

If I could
I would
open a canteen just for those who need
I would vow to make sure
every one of them that left
left with a smile