My past actions

As I entered the green carpeted house after fours years
I finally had the courage to enter that door of the future
who knows what knocking on that door would bring me ?
perhaps happiness
perhaps sadness
only Allah knows
frankly speaking I didn't care I just knew this had to be done
regardless of the consequence
I brought this upon myself now I have to deal with it

one things for sure I just knew I had to take that first step
to break the ice with my parents
the thought of how they may react makes me feel sad
again it is your fault
but I cant spend the rest of my life saying
'what if?'

theirs many choices in life we make
sadly we have to bear the brunt of the consequences
I got myself into this mess and now I have to get myself out
No were to run
No way to wriggle myself out of this
it has to be done with honesty
straightforwardness
understanding

I can choose to run
for how long ?
I must take responsibility for my actions
its time for my reckoning with my parents
with my family as a whole
life's to short to let past actions haunt us

So I knocked on that door
and entered that green carpeted house for the first time in
four years
my sister let me in with a smile
she led me into the living room
I sat on the leather sofa
I looked around and saw pictures of my family
then I saw a school picture of me
I was surprised to see my school photo up their
with the rest of my other siblings
it was practically the only thing in the house
that suggested that 'I' once lived their

a realization took over me
I realized this is just the beginning of a long journey
to heal broken wounds
that I cut so deep

this is just the beginning of a long journey
that I have know idea were its going to end
I pray it has a happy ending
I hope it will be a happy ending

Diary entry of my sadness

Its been a while since I last updated my blog , been going through emotional turmoil . I feel sick inside and confused . I wish I understood the world sadly I don't and I wish I knew why ?I wish I understood why the things are the way they are it seems like each year that passes the world is getting worse . Is that just my imagination sometimes I think I'm deluding myself . I'm uncertain of myself and what I want may Allah bring it make it clear to me.I feel irritated by Muslims and upset with the world as a whole ....if that make sense to anyone ? I think were has the mercy gone ? where!? .Where has the wisdom gone ? Muslims these days don't seem very wise ....each and every one of them has their own little opinion on life and Islam .May Allah make me understand one day , may Allah make things clear for me one day ameen .
Up until a few weeks ago I realized how much I relied on a certain someone in my life , well that person has gone now . I must stand on my two feet it will be hard at first but inshallah it'll get easier .I will finally learn to cope with 'me' .I wish I can come out of my fantasy world ..just be in reality I'm constantly day dreaming about the way I wish things where . GET OVER IT ..I keep telling myself . but then slip right back in to the same mood of day dreaming . ever since I can remember I'd always day dreame in school where I would practically fall asleep in assembly because of my day dreaming .Back then I saw life so very simple now I see all the complications. If I could I would want to be a teenager again and just be blissfully ignorant . OK so ignorance isn't so blissful at time what you do know will certainly help you get through situations . I guess the feelings I'm going through right now is feelings of not feeling stable inside and not secure from within. Alot of uncertainty about all the things that is happening all around me .
I'm going to stop rambling now and just beg Allah to please make things clear for me ameen .

Building bridges

I need to build a bridge with Allah
all those who want to be my friend is welcome
all those who don't like me
it wont effect me
I'm building my bridge with Allah
after that nothing will effect me

all those who want to use me
that's OK my reward is with Allah
all those who want to backbite me
why your so generous
I'm reaping all you good deeds !

If you abandon me
I don't care
If you stay
then I shall love you
either way it wont scratch me
for I am building the strongest of bridges
that shall never break
only if I choose to forget Allah .

'Let go'

Let go of your lust for they will only bring you down Let go of your wants for they will only make you miserable Let go of your ego for it will keep you far from the 'one' Let go of people for the feelings will always make you feel trapped Let go of everything except Allah .

My thought's

I walk around looking as if I am living I'm here physically spiritually I'm somewhere else I don't feel I'm here I feel I am in some other world am I deluded ? and everyone else isn't? what is this feeling that I feel ? I try to empty my mind from a huge bucket that sits by my side it seems to me the more I try to empty the more it fills with lots more wild thoughts that tangle one another people speak to me in black and white tones but I know its not like that cant they see all the different other colours ? people just give me this look of 'oh well I don't know what your talking about' I walk around looking as if I am living I'm here physically spiritually I'm somewhere else I observe people rather then judge them I snatch a piece of paper trying to empty that bucket again that likes to fill again and again if only my wild thoughts would untangle so I break free from my thoughts I walk around looking as if I am living I'm only here physically spiritually am somewhere else I feel I'm far, far away in some other world that world is my mind with Allah talking to him my wild thoughts untangling each one working it out like working out a maze placing each thought in the right order eventually I will get their figuring out exactly whats bothering my poor soul then I will take a break have a long sip from a sweet cup of tea BUT not getting deluded that it is officially over it will never be over not until I die only then only then will the fight with my thoughts be over .

misreable

I often see people with miserable faces each one with a different story it seems to me people go through their whole life collecting their miserable emotions bottling them up in a jar tightening so tight to the extent theirs no room for forgiveness no room to just let go I wonder if these people would take a second to be just merciful to themselves then to others open that jar full of so much misery and pain and ask yourself do I really need this ?! I chose to be miserable for ten or twenty years carrying around the bitterness in my fine line wrinkles If only I was wise enough to just forgive I could have lived in the present instead I chose to live in the past I spent all those years miserable being angry and bitter all I had to was let go the jar is indeed full of anger pain sadness bitterness If only I had filled them with positive emotions Now there you are looking in the jar deciding were to start childhood memories? adulthood memories ? oh how hard it really is I suppose one can start with forgiveness Then the rest will take a step by step journey within myself you owe it to YOURSELF It will be hard emptying that jar that you have carried with you for so many years In the end it will be worth it you will be rewarded for it having a smiling face is loved by Allah frowning isn't!

If I .....

If I feel sad today I refuse for it to stop me from smiling If I feel jealous today I refuse for it to take over me If I feel bitter today I refuse for it to take over my life If I feel happy to day I refuse for it to delude me If I do good to day I refuse for it to make me feel self righteous If I do bad to day I refuse for it to stop me from repenting If I feel negative today I refuse to let myself be taken in by it If I feel positive today Then I shall put my positive energy into good use ! I refuse for my emotions to rule my life I refuse my imperfections to let me feel down rather it will only motivate me to become better .

My rant on death

Asalam alaykum .....Is it normal to always think about death? ever since I turned 20 since then I don't remeber a day that went by without me contemplating death ...I'm so scared Allah wont be happy with me ...at the same time I think how wonderful it would be if I had a wonderful death .A friend of mine and I were discussing the jenazah I said how I don't care how many people do not turn up to my occasions BUT PLEASE TURN UP AT MY FUNERAL ! that's how much it means to me .Its come to a point in my life that I really don't care about what happens to me in this world , yeah I make dua for the best , my main worry is when I die ...in reality that's true success ...in fact we REALLY are just travellers in this world . So I really don't understand why people choose to dwell in their problems.Its just so not worth it . So does anyone get stressed about dieing like I do ? or is it just me because I do feel it's just me ...whenever I try to talk about it, people don't seem interested . What I don't understand don't people notice that this world is REALLY nothing ? or is it just me ...I really do wonder .I just cant see what they see . I've noticed the obvious you finish one problem in your life then Allah brings another , so is this world really worth crying about ? I really wonder . Being positive, stay smiling no matter what the situation may be and inshallah we'll get through this world just fine :) inshallah . Just remember we really are just guests , were just going to be here temporarily , so don't get upset about it like its forever because its not !