When I needed you

When I needed you
you left me to my tears
when I needed you
you gave me a hard shoulder
each and every time I wondered why
all I needed was love
all I needed was a smile
instead I was staying strong
while you were crippling in front me
I thought it would be all ok
once I have the baby
no instead it was too late
the damage you caused has really scarred me
I don't trust you anymore
I told you so
Now I don't love you
no affection to give
except a hard shoulder
like the one you once gave me
I see you try to make things work
I pity you
yet I feel guilt
Maybe I should try
so here I am trying to try
making istakhara
don't want to be held accountable for you
when I needed you
you weren't their
I was just left their to my pain
feeling all alone
All I remember of those days
was nothing but sadness
At that time I thought I had it all
No I was deluded
I only convinced my self of that
only because I was alone
Now I am older
not so naive anymore
to bad for you
guess the damage is done
feels irreparable
guess I don't like you anymore
or maybe I never liked you so
Just a heart hard I feel towards you
so when I needed you the most
where you their for me ?
no instead you asked me
to be their for you
Wish I learnt then to turn to god
Wish I knew then not expect anything from anyone
Wish I had the will
Wish I was not such a crybaby
through pain
their is wisdom
Guess I should be happy
guess I should forget
I have forgiven you
I just don't trust you
I know your the same
because the other day
God made me sick
did you give me sympathy?
did you hug me ?
that's all I needed
no you were too worried about the vomit
instead had a go at me for breaking the lock

When I needed you
and when I need you
I only expect one thing
that is to be alone

If I could

If I could
I would
lay in the sand
with my eyes closed
and allow my body to soak the heat
not caring that I will get darker

If I could
I would
sniff lavender all day
allowing the feeling to take over my mind

If I could
I would
Run through a naturist site
taking in the beauty
capturing it in my mind

If I could
I would
spend a whole day
not thinking
not caring
just laughing
So that all you could see
was my white teeth

If I could
I would
sit with a group of people
say nothing
do nothing
just allow my ears to take in the wisdom

If I could
I would
take back every wrong I ever did
I would do the things I intended to do
I would kiss my mothers feet
and promise never to say a bad word to her

If I could
I would
wipe every negative memory
I have
hiding away in the cupboard with the lost key

If I could
I would
open a canteen just for those who need
I would vow to make sure
every one of them that left
left with a smile

Sinning

I know it is Satan that is inviting me
hissing away in my sad soul
I know it is you that makes me suffer
I know it is me that gives you power
I know how I CAN stop you
yet can not catch myself to stop you
In all the disappointments in my life
finally I realize
their will be more
just do not know from where
then you Satan will come back
trying to give me alternative of relief
then I know it is you inviting me
to what you disguise as peace
yet I know it is not peace
but coax my self in to accepting
knowing the consequence is sadness
followed by repentance
a battle of wars is going on within me
until I submit
then peace will descend on me
That will only happen
when I
refuse your invitation
Satan your only strong
when I give you strength
your only strong
when I accept your invite
Your like a drug
that sewed it self with in me
I let go off you for a few days
then your back again
only because I allowed you
only because I gave you permission
this is no ones fault
but mine
only I can stop sinning
only I can stop your whispers
when will I finally stop giving in ?
such a vicious circle I am in
tired inside of allowing you to do this
tired of giving you permission to make me suffer
the suffering I am in
is cause of my actions
so Allah help me stop
give me the strength to overcome my weaknesses

I wish

I wish I was satisfied
I wish I did not have to know about the suffering
I wish I understood why everything is the way it is
I wish these feelings would let me go
I wish I can bounce back from these feelings
I wish I can avoid a certain someone
I wish I can smile knowing it is genuine
I wish I knew how to be someone
but me
I wish I can just turn back to the light
I wish I can just except my situation
it seems the older I get
bigger the issues
I wish things do not have to be like this
I wish I can stop tormenting my mind like this
I want to stop sinning
but cannot seem to
I wish I can just stop wishing
I wish I can stop fantasing
and just submit back to reality

Tired

Feeling tired
Feeling lousy
Feeling drained
like the blood just got sucked out of me
need to close my eyes
My body is gasping for sleep
my mind is running wild
just needing to stop
wanting the thoughts to stop
need to close my eyes
need to close my eyes
take a break
take a break
lay on the bed
let the thoughts go
let my eyes close
falling
falling
deep in to another world
a world I wish I can stay in
a world I wish I can stay in

because I am a muslim

I do what I do because I am a Muslim
I feel what I feel because I am a Muslim
I think what I think because I am a Muslim
I choose to be what I am because I am a Muslim
I make decisions based on my hereafter
why ?
because I am a Muslim
you wonder why I do not swear ?
you wonder why i do not retaliate to your nasty words?
you insult me
I choose not to
because I am a Muslim
I have the truth
so why do I need to behave lower then you ?
when I can convey my truth to you
it is
through the best of my actions
through the best of my words

seeking

I have begun to seek knowledge
the soil I seed my my seeds in
is that of firm of faith
the more I seek
the seed starts to grow
the roots is watered
with firm prayer
as I ask
as I seek
the more I receive
the more my mind grows
the more I have hope
that Islam is truth
the seed is growing
as I continue
I stay firm
I slip at times
but then I go back to water
the seeds with what I watered with them first
faith
prayer
and
conviction
eventually their will be Branch's
each branch representing
truth
each branch explaining that which is false
by Allah the tree will stand firm
watered with iman
watered with conviction